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It seems to be a whole lot easier before. Anytime I felt like the world was ending, I could just threaten to kill myself. Spiral and spiral, the nauseating feeling of my thoughts eating themselves in tandem with the stomach acid chewing away at my organs (from starving myself~) kept me busy. Or kept me stimulated. Now all of it has been replaced by this strange monotony. This healthy monotony this "growth" I even like to claim. I think its necessary, those moments of silence where its not even silent, the self awareness is just deafening. There is me and myself and we are staring at each other scratching our heads at everything we do. It is infuriating but a silent kind that never turns into anger. Embers that just glow but keep their distance. Pain is preferable to this mosquito buzz (you know the one that old people cant hear?_)/ Thats what they say hell is like, I always think about that. Hell is like reality but slightly off, the itch u can never scratch, the pit u can never fill, I'd come up with a third one but it feels redundant. Strange. Glad there is such thing as death, unfortunately its not an option for me right now. I will surely enjoy it when I'm old tho. I like watching all those elderly folks, in their 100 pluses being interviewed by the news. The news reporters are putting on their mickey mouse faces and trying to spin a narrative about life, the old curmudgeons cudnt give a shit. But they do pass on wisdom, blunt and unconcerned (besides wanting to join their friends in the grave). Be happy enough your whole life so that you have nothing to worry about when ur gna die\\

I am one of those people, many people im sure, who want to write a novel,, but cant. The cant boils down to two things, cant focus and cant do anything. Dysfunction~! What a word. Makes me feel like an excuse, but also I don;t belong in this glorified rat cage of a world. Complicated games for us to run around in so we can pull some cranks and levers for society. I bet you removing half of these bells and whistles would still keep society going at 100% capacity or productivity or whatever term it is. Life really should be a zero sum game. instead its now giant garbage heap for ourselves to live in and for everyone else to clean up after. Horrifying really. We;re like little plastic termites shitting all that crap out to make like shitty plastic chairs for 8 year olds. An 8 year old doesnt need a chair, let alone a shitty plastic one. They should be squatting or sitting on the floor. Maybe thats a bit of a stretch. But the point still holds. Shitty plastic termite launching black gas into the air. What do we think we are? A bunch of bugs? Probably, we tend to hivemind like one. Funny how that all works eeven though I cant understand my fellow man half the time. The ones next to me. Well I think that I can, but I guess I'm wrong a lot of the times. Maybe like 10% of the time, which is a lot to me when my standard is sitting at never. I like to think I know what others are thinking, even when I dont. How would you feel about the plastic and the termites if they werent us. Probably a lot worse

I was browsing through this unspecified front page of the internet residing in the internet eden garden wall (reddit) when i came across something about which animal would you eradicate overnight if u cud. no one said human. am i a nihilist? no. maybe. but im not self absorbed enough to not answer myself. how stupid is that! very is the right answer. i like looking at maps but those borders arent natural. looking at roads, now that is natural. this super big decentralized system of weaving through stone, etching out some real thick blood vessels and arteries that are used everyday! that red and white backdrop everynight streaking for those of us with astigmatism. giving the stars a real show! A little bit of earth for a little bit of them. if i saw that shit i would be moved ;-;

/couple of my friends:

look how nice those photos are adjacent to one another. ahh the boxed social media experience has robbed us of that border to border joy.

o and here;s a picture of the guy stalkin em

real creep

dunwich horror? more like dunwichyorass hahha. good jokes were never my strong suit.i just flash my teeth and let loose my monkey cackle and people seem to love it anyways. its a social thing u know, i watched some documentary about it. you can laugh with me just to laugh with me, you dont even have to know what im saying. its a good time anyways. when i was younger guys wud try to catch me laffing at a joke i didnt understand and expose me. im not sure if they were trying to embarass me or reveal the absurdity but it was all in good fun. actually now that i think about it.. moooving on! i like that tho, that u dont have to get it to laugh. its like how the world doesnt have to treat u right for u to smile, just bend ur face up. not like those influencer guys tho, david dobrik and that one food guy? looks like theyre stuck in pain. not happy. gotta feel the sad out sometimes.

dystopia is kind to those who embrace it. at least thats what i think. the worlds gotta get pretty shitty to be pretty shitty. not that it isnt pretty shitty now, but there are pockets of love. it just requires going outside, that ones hard sometimes. remembering that everyones trying to reach out but everyones stuck in their little cages. so sad. ripping those bars out make them feel unsafe, but the bars are made of invisible forces. invisible forces that keep our world together. thats probably why they came up with dark matter or dark energy or whatever the fuck. some word for the metaphysical that is somehow physical. we keep trying to find it or prove it or whatever. how wrong will we be itll be funny to see. i think the answer is very. lets have another lens for the world universe one thats fun and exciting. im done counting planets and stars, lets make up some wacky ideas beyond physics. the metaphysical of the physical. guess i was thinking about ontology lol. ontological! i want some big turtle swimming by with the rotation of the earth! something alive, enough of this finding life stuff. we found it here already! lets get over that until it wants to find us.